Torturing Language

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What do you do when a word fails to express what you intended? You now have the option of twisting the recalcitrant term into painful contortions to get it to comply—with no worries about repercussions, thanks to a little noticed decision last week, when the US Court of Cant upheld the legality of torturing language.

“The court has spoken,” says Aye Meenit, a reporter who writes about court rulings. “Americans are now free to abuse words however they choose.”

The decision surprised much of the public. Many Americans thought the forefathers of the country had fought a revolutionary war to secure the right to torture what was formerly called the “English language.” Others believed torturing language was something only government officials or rappers were authorized to do.

Experts were also shocked, arguing Americans are known for saying what they mean, and that tortured language results in misinterpretation and confusion. Still, the court, which has the final say on national matters of linguistic importance, came to the conclusion that abusing language is everyone’s right.

“Whether you call it creativity or torture, forcing a word into a contrived definition is perfectly legal,” Chief Speaker H. Dumpty said, reading from the court’s decision. “Taxing as such behavior may be to the word itself, there is no penalty for doing so. A word can mean just what you want it to mean.”

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