Torturing Language

Thanks for sharing this!

What do you do when a word fails to express what you intended? You now have the option of twisting the recalcitrant term into painful contortions to get it to comply—with no worries about repercussions, thanks to a little noticed decision last week, when the US Court of Cant upheld the legality of torturing language.

“The court has spoken,” says Aye Meenit, a reporter who writes about court rulings. “Americans are now free to abuse words however they choose.”

The decision surprised much of the public. Many Americans thought the forefathers of the country had fought a revolutionary war to secure the right to torture what was formerly called the “English language.” Others believed torturing language was something only government officials or rappers were authorized to do.

Experts were also shocked, arguing Americans are known for saying what they mean, and that tortured language results in misinterpretation and confusion. Still, the court, which has the final say on national matters of linguistic importance, came to the conclusion that abusing language is everyone’s right.

“Whether you call it creativity or torture, forcing a word into a contrived definition is perfectly legal,” Chief Speaker H. Dumpty said, reading from the court’s decision. “Taxing as such behavior may be to the word itself, there is no penalty for doing so. A word can mean just what you want it to mean.”

You might also like these posts

Satire — Gridlock Image source: www.wpclipart.com Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...
Staying Calm Calm International is losing its stature as a global leader in the equanimity market, with sales of flagship merchandise simmering down. While Calm remains a key provider of composure, harmony, and serenity products worldwide, experts say the company has been losing its cool for years---a development reflecting the rea...
Do You Know Better? Of course you know Better. Everyone thinks they know Better. Yet I. Dunno, spokesperson for the international celebrity, says no one really knows Better. "If I didn't know Better," says Mr. Dunno, "I'd think these people were delusional." Experts, many of whom do not actually know Better, say it's natural for peop...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,