As the quadrennial presidential campaign marathon picks up momentum, the US Department of Doublespeak has issued a bulletin to warn Americans against indulging in a steady diet of Fudge Language. The potentially unsafe confection, a sticky combination of sugar, fluffy promises and empty words, will be prominent on the political menu for the rest of this year and throughout 2012, making it difficult to avoid.
“We’ve already received complaints of queasiness from voters,” says Dont Eetthat, spokesperson for the department. “We’re working on safety labeling.”
In the meantime, the bulletin urges Americans to refrain from swallowing large quantities of Fudge Language during the political season. As part of a group of smooth, sweet formulations known as “Ear Candy”, Fudge Language has no intellectual value and insults the intelligence. Overconsumption carries the risk of disillusionment, disenchantment, and distrust of political discourse.
The Department of Doublespeak says the most intense reactions are caused by empty words, which are the main ingredient of Fudge Language. While many words cause Americans grief, research shows empty ones are the hardest to tolerate.
Critics would like to see Fudge Language removed from all political debate. Some say politicians, who are the largest purveyors of Fudge Language, should be banned from ever serving it up for voters.
“Many of these folks are true masters at creating fine offerings,” says Made Mesick, who suffered severe symptoms of revulsion after ingesting a large dose of Fudge Language during an exchange between presidential candidates. “You’ve really got to be careful.”
The Department of Doublespeak says all politically correct talk carries risk, and that Fudge Language is safe in limited quantities. Mr. Eetthat adds Americans should take steps to protect themselves, as politicians are expected to continue dishing out Fudge Language for the foreseeable future.