Satire — The Weight Creep

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Do you have the weighty feeling something is sneaking up on you? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans have reported being stalked by a stealthy figure known only as “The Weight Creep.”

Due to multiple sightings and widely varying eye-witness descriptions, law enforcement agencies believe The Weight Creep may be a nationwide gang instead of an individual. In addition, there’s growing suspicion the retail garment industry is backing the group, since all accounts of attacks have one recurring pattern: Clothes that unexpectedly become too tight.

“We’ve identified several possible culprits,” says Corp. Ulence, spokesperson for the Heavyweight Unit of the US Department of Overindulgence. “We’re seeking two in particular, Muffin Top and Love Handles.”

Despite the innocent-sounding names, encountering The Weight Creep is no laughing matter. Once you’re in this criminal’s sights, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to return to your previous flab-free lifestyle.

Some cities, such as New York, have responded to the threat by proposing new laws designed to thwart The Weight Creep. Critics say new laws won’t stop The Weight Creep. Instead, they want to educate Americans about how to protect themselves.

Both sides will no doubt continue to chew the fat over the issue for the foreseeable future. In the meantime, though law enforcement is robustly pursuing leads—including repeated in-depth investigations involving sightings in donut shops—The Weight Creep remains at large. Americans are urged to exercise vigilance.

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