Essay — The Envelope, Please

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This year the Academy Awards will air on February 24—and wouldn’t it be nice to be in the audience.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to attend a glitzy Hollywood red-carpet event like the Emmys or the Oscars. My writing partner and I plan to find out as soon as our novel, The SkyHorse, becomes a hit movie.

That hasn’t happened yet. But when it does…

Image courtesy of Frank C. Müller, Baden-Baden via Wikimedia Commons

Image courtesy of Frank C. Müller, Baden-Baden via Wikimedia Commons

As I was contemplating the fun I’d have getting my hair styled and draping myself in diamonds, pearls, and a designer gown, my frugal brain kicked in with this question: How much will it cost?

Well, let’s see: professional hairstylist, $1,500. Professional makeup artist, at least $200 an hour. Limo, $500. Versace gown plus accessories, hundreds, maybe thousands. Double all that since there are two of us, and the answer is—plenty.

Okay, until our book is adapted into a screenplay it might be better to try to win one of the seven hundred tickets available for “outside” bleacher seats. Or we could join a seat-filler program.

Yes, there are folks doing that job. They move around the theater filling seats for celebrities who need to leave—which is why the room always looks full when the television cameras pan across the audience.

Hmmm, that sounds less fun than arriving in a limo, all done up in glam clothes, and stepping up to a mike held by an entertainment reporter.

Oh, well, there’s always next year. Meanwhile, we’ll keep writing other stories while waiting for The SkyHorse to carry us to fame and fortune–

–and a real trip to the hottest show in town.

***

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