The Cookie Crumb Conspiracy

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In a move that caused a stir throughout the cookie industry, New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer subpoenaed a number of major firms late Friday afternoon. One of the subpoenaed companies said Mr. Spitzer is seeking evidence about potential abuses against the dieting public.

Under investigation: whether cookie makers actively participated in promoting the widely-held belief that cookie crumbs have no calories.

A source close to Mr. Spitzer says the alleged conspiracy was revealed last week by a group of British scientists who discovered the reason cookies crumble. “Believing this research would eliminate waste in the manufacturing process, they approached key bakers in the cookie industry,” the source says. “They were surprised to discover absolutely no interest in eliminating cookie crumbs. In fact, they received threats. Funding for their research has since mysteriously dried up.”

According to a press release, Mr. Spitzer specifically requested internal e-mails and other documents from the subpoenaed firms. Additionally, the Attorney General, whose previous, less encompassing inquiry into misconduct at mutual fund companies is still ongoing, believes the Justice Department and the Securities and Exchange Commission will soon follow his lead.

“This is the sort of behavior that undermines the confidence of the dieting public,” the press release concludes. “Weight-conscious Americans have enough on their plates without learning they’ve been deliberately deceived.”

The inquiry will be watched closely by millions of unhappy foodies who have long been convinced that once cookies are broken, the calories leak out, thereby making the crumbs perfect diet fare.

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