Taken to The Cleaners

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Mopping up monetary excesses and scraping away the debris of financial meltdowns has always been a dirty business. But the US Bureau of Financial Cleaners is prepared to tackle the job.

“This work is made to order for government professionals,” says a bureau liaison. “Our staff has years of experience with shady deals and illiquid assets.”

Policy makers say the goal of the Bureau is to use an industrial-strength solvent called “Public Cash” to flush away the sludge of internal rot, mushrooming losses and deteriorating capital that is currently swirling around in US financial markets.

Participants in those markets say they are looking forward to the help. Binheer Before, a financial industry spokesperson, admits the job will be costly. But she adds that being taken to the Cleaners is a concept with which American taxpayers are familiar.

Critics claim the Bureau of Financial Cleaners doesn’t have the brooms to handle toxic financial messes. In addition, they question whether US financial markets will ever be truly clean, no matter how much Public Cash goes down the drain.

“Wall Street has been up to its neck in soap bubbles before,” says one skeptic. “How do we know this time will be different?”

Ms. Before sweeps those concerns aside by pointing to the government’s record of cleaning house.

“Everything will come out in the wash,” she says. “We’re really going to clean up.”

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