The US Department of Inapprehension is warning Americans to be on the lookout for a serial jobs killer. The suspect, who goes by the name Recession, has been on a nationwide spree, randomly slashing jobs in each state.
“We urge all working Americans to defend themselves by sharpening their skill sets,” says a department spokesperson. “Jobs are being cut every day.”
Critics say sharpened skill sets do not offer enough protection against Recession, and may even engender a false sense of employment security. They say officials should be doing more to save jobs by ending Recession’s three-year-long reign of terror.
Nearly Fired, survivor of an attack known as a “targeted head count reduction”, agrees. Mr. Fired fears his job will be in jeopardy as long as Recession continues to roam the streets of America.
Experts say stopping Recession is not so simple. They point out that the government has taken steps to curb Recession’s impact, including hand wringing, fast talking, and funding massive bailout programs for employers. Despite those efforts, Recession continues to eliminate jobs with impunity, slicing a deep gash of agitation and uncertainty across the country.
The government admits to being clueless, and is offering a cash reward for information leading to Recession’s arrest. Tipsters can remain anonymous.