Snoozing Profits

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The First Bank of Snooze, located in Hitthehay, Maryland, reported record profits in yesterday’s conference call. The results reflect the yawning decline in withdrawals by depositors, which in turn boosted the income of the bank’s suite of Sleep Services.

“Americans are working more and slumbering less,” said banking executive Four “Ty” Winks. “The average amount of sleep on deposit has increased dramatically.”

The First Bank of Snooze uses those deposits to make specialty “siesta” loans to consumers of sleep products. Profits arise from the difference between the interest paid on sleep deposits and the interest earned from advances to narcoleptics, babies, the elderly and others who require plenty of rest.

While the industry has long been considered drowsy, investors are beginning to wake up to the rising potential of these stocks. Analysts, who were caught napping by the dramatic increase in profits at the First Bank of Snooze, are also becoming conscious of the bank’s “sleeper” status.

“This is a dream investment,” says one. “We plan to upgrade our coverage to an eye-opening rating.”

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