Satire — Santa Disappoints Millions

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Image source: US government, public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Image source: US government, public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

What’s on the list you’re making for Santa? The North Pole Post Office reports this year’s most requested wish is to wrap a bow around the arguing in Washington DC. Yet despite heavy demand, Santa Claus will not be visiting Capitol Hill during his annual gift-delivering journey.

“There are no plans for Mr. Claus to travel to Washington,” says Rudolph Rednose, logistics coordinator for North Pole Reindeer Flights. “It’s far too dangerous to guide the sleigh past the fiscal cliff.”

Not coming to town is unusual for the jolly old man, who is known to have a soft spot for especially heartfelt requests—and there’s no question this year’s batch of entreaties are deeply and strongly earnest. In letter after letter, Americans beg Mr. Claus to hand the politicians in Washington packages containing compromise, an end to posturing, and an antidote to acrimony.

“He’s the only one with a work force capable of handling the job,” says a dismayed admirer. “Why aren’t the little pointy-headed fellows up there working on a solution to this problem?”

Some think the reason Mr. Claus is avoiding Washington is because he is reluctant to take the blame if the gifts he brings are not what Congress wants. They point out that elected officials are skilled at finger-pointing, avoiding responsibility, and scapegoating others, and say Mr. Claus is fearful his reputation would suffer irreparable harm if he shows up.

Mr. Rednose denies that, and offers a much simpler reason. “Politicians are not playing nice,” he says. “Consequently, there’s no deal in the bag for them.”


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