Satire — Quiet Please

Thanks for sharing this!
Image source: Bangin, via Wikimedia Commons

Image source: Bangin, via Wikimedia Commons

A new drug that was headed for government approval is facing opposition from a vocal coalition of politicians, journalists and talk show hosts.

The drug, which was developed by the maverick pharmaceutical company WeeHeerU, is designed to bring temporary relief from the babbling of idiotic lawmakers, hysterical newscasters and rabid talk show hosts. It works by the simple, effective method of inducing a “hush state”, in which chronic ranters are unable to speak in tones higher than a whisper.

“It’s hard to generate a state of panic when you can only murmur,” says the scientist who created the formulation. “This is the perfect prescription for ending mindless, stress-inducing blather.”

Proponents tout additional benefits of the drug, which include noise reduction and escape from harebrained opinions and biased judgments. But the Pro-Sound Assembly, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the promotion of hectic prattle, argues that the drug needs more testing. According to Pro-Sound, no one has proven silence is golden. Further, the Assembly’s research indicates a decline in nattering drivel can raise public safety issues, such as the risk of independent thinking.

“This is an unspeakable outrage! I’m speechless!” a spokesperson for Pro-Sound shouted during a telephone interview. He then went on to add, “They’re just trying to shut us up!”

Medical experts say the only way to silence the prattle is to approve the drug. Until that happens, consumers seeking an escape from relentless chatter will have to resort to folk remedies, such as using “mute” or “off” buttons on radios and televisions.


You might also like these posts

Essay — Listening to the Flowers Image source: HL CarpenterHot, cold, rainy, sunny—what will it be today? Last week, Carpenter Country ushered in spring highs of eighty degrees. Pansies, delphiniums and azaleas bloomed beside a hibiscus. This week icicles festooned our fountain and temps dropped into the twenties. And while Florida shivered, relativ...
Satire — Gridlock Image source: Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...
Essay — Blissful Earlier this week, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. When I asked how everything was going, she told me she was blissfully happy. Image courtesy of arztsamui/ Her words made me wonder exactly what she meant. Was she feeling ecstatic, exhilarated and freaked out all at the same moment? ...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,