Pressimism

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If you think there’s been an explosion of bad news lately, you’re right. Media analysts today released statistics that show the number of depressing stories covered by popular media has increased nearly 3,050% since 2001.

There are conflicting reports on the cause of the upsurge in what’s been termed pressimism. Experts theorize the culprit is the US Bureau of Negative News, a shadowy government department operating under the umbrella of Homeland Security.

Officials deny the existence of any such bureau. However, journalists who attempt to release news with upbeat content tell of being contacted by mysterious red-pencil-toting officials who forcibly delete positive spin.

“The Bureau of Negative News moves quickly to discourage optimistic stories,” says a reporter who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “They believe it is absolutely wrong to confuse the public by broadcasting good news, especially now, with elections so near.”

A government spokesperson insists it’s well known that discouraging news has long been popular in mainstream media.

“It’s hardly credible the government would need a special bureau to promote negative news,” she says. “Every branch is already quite effective at producing enough of that on their own.”

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