Phantom Strike Gives Market Fright

Thanks for sharing this!

This week’s flurry of so-so corporate earnings reports, combined with the cautious forward predictions of many companies, unnerved US financial markets. The final shock that sent stocks plummeting was the specter of a threatened October 31 strike by Phantom Union 103. Market watchers expect the fright-work stoppage to have a “quiver” effect that may well bring the notoriously skittish economy to a trembling halt.

The consequences are already casting a shadow over one of the largest players in the spirit market. Intergalactic Routing Service (NYSE: IRS), a leading expeditor of netherworld travel and shipping, announced a sharply pessimistic revenue outlook for the remainder of the year due to the anticipated disruption of the strike.

“Halloween transport is traditionally our biggest money maker,” said Jack O’Lantern, president and CEO of Intergalactic. “We hope the phantoms are only trying to rattle our chain with this threat.”

The company hit paydirt with the introduction of its services in 1999, and has been profitable since going public that year. Nonetheless, analysts immediately graveyarded the stock. One firm, Haunted Securities, went so far as to issue a bury rating.

S. Web, senior analyst at Haunted, said, “Over 78% of IRS business flits through the door on All Hallows Eve. They’re doomed. They’ll never recapture the magic after this.”

The outlook for Intergalactic might not be so bleak, however. According to officials of Phantom Union 103, though the clock is ticking toward midnight, there’s still the ghost of an opportunity to reach an agreement.

“We feel our demands are reasonable,” said one union member, who wished to remain unidentified. “We’re not asking for the moon.”

You might also like these posts

Satire — Gridlock Image source: Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...
Staying Calm Calm International is losing its stature as a global leader in the equanimity market, with sales of flagship merchandise simmering down. While Calm remains a key provider of composure, harmony, and serenity products worldwide, experts say the company has been losing its cool for years---a development reflecting the rea...
Do You Know Better? Of course you know Better. Everyone thinks they know Better. Yet I. Dunno, spokesperson for the international celebrity, says no one really knows Better. "If I didn't know Better," says Mr. Dunno, "I'd think these people were delusional." Experts, many of whom do not actually know Better, say it's natural for peop...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,