Markets Move on Sneeze Factor

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Someone sneezed last week, roiling US financial markets.

At least, that’s the conclusion of the Center of Financial Logic, a world-renown financial research firm. The finding was unexpected, but no one is dismissing it out of hand. The reason? The Center has been resoundingly correct in the past, most notably for correlating excessive corporate compensation with executives on the Atkins Diet. That startling claim has recently been confirmed by scientific study, and it’s now well accepted that the diet leads to a desire for high fat consumption in all aspects of life.

In this latest press release, the Center scoffs at the usual rationales offered by leading financial press pundits.

“Contrary to common misperceptions, markets pay no attention to corporate earnings reports, rising interest rates, economic releases or the value of the dollar,” says Stud Dee, spokesperson for the Center. “We’ve found that random events, like an unanticipated allergy attack, are far more likely to be at the bottom of market swings.”

So far the Center has refused to divulge the name of the person who sneezed. Market watchers assume the culprit is a highly placed government official, perhaps even the head of the national banking board who testified before Congress this week.

“The identity of the market mover doesn’t matter,” says Mr. Dee. “The point is, we’re finally unraveling the mystery of how our markets truly work. Forget portfolio theory, arbitrage, and the capital asset pricing model. Investors need to realize the Sneeze Factor is what it’s all about.”

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