Markets Move on Sneeze Factor

Thanks for sharing this!

Someone sneezed last week, roiling US financial markets.

At least, that’s the conclusion of the Center of Financial Logic, a world-renown financial research firm. The finding was unexpected, but no one is dismissing it out of hand. The reason? The Center has been resoundingly correct in the past, most notably for correlating excessive corporate compensation with executives on the Atkins Diet. That startling claim has recently been confirmed by scientific study, and it’s now well accepted that the diet leads to a desire for high fat consumption in all aspects of life.

In this latest press release, the Center scoffs at the usual rationales offered by leading financial press pundits.

“Contrary to common misperceptions, markets pay no attention to corporate earnings reports, rising interest rates, economic releases or the value of the dollar,” says Stud Dee, spokesperson for the Center. “We’ve found that random events, like an unanticipated allergy attack, are far more likely to be at the bottom of market swings.”

So far the Center has refused to divulge the name of the person who sneezed. Market watchers assume the culprit is a highly placed government official, perhaps even the head of the national banking board who testified before Congress this week.

“The identity of the market mover doesn’t matter,” says Mr. Dee. “The point is, we’re finally unraveling the mystery of how our markets truly work. Forget portfolio theory, arbitrage, and the capital asset pricing model. Investors need to realize the Sneeze Factor is what it’s all about.”

You might also like these posts

Article — History of the US Department of Treasury In 1775, at the start of the American Revolution, the Continental Congress had no power to collect taxes or to borrow money to finance a war. However, the Congress could issue “bills of credit,” which were short-term public loans to the new government. Nature print image courtesy of Beyond My Ken (via Wikimedia Commons)...
Satire — Gridlock Image source: www.wpclipart.com Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
Article — Opting Out of Pop-up Sales Are “opt-out sales”—where you have to choose not to be enrolled in a recurring transaction—a con? Or simply a marketing device? What are opt-out sales? Have you ever seen those pop-up boxes when you’re ready to place an on-line order? The ones that tell you a discount or a freebie is yours—as long as you agree? The...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,