Satire — Grasping at Straws

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Are you looking to add something new to your exercise routine? A fast-growing sport called Grasping at Straws may be the answer.

Image source: Tony Hisgett via Wikimedia Commons

Image source: Tony Hisgett via Wikimedia Commons

“Millions of Americans practice Grasping at Straws multiple times during the course of a day,” says Dryd Stalks, a fan of the activity. “We’re all dead serious about it.”

The popularity of Grasping at Straws is a result of its simplicity. There’s only one rule: Every time you run out of real options, you reach for–and tightly clutch–empty solutions known as “straws.” As with every sport, the more you practice, the better you get. Serious enthusiasts like Mr. Stalks spend a minimum of sixty minutes each day Grasping at Straws.

Experts warn that Grasping at Straws isn’t for everyone. Players must be comfortable having very little to hold onto, because the straws are flimsy and you may end up clinging desperately to shaky ground.

Mr. Stalks says that’s all part of the fun. “Grasping at Straws is wonderful for people with weak arguments,” he says. “Whether you like the facts or not, it’s important to exercise.”

For those who seek more demanding workouts, Mr. Stalks suggests Building Straw Men, Piling on the Last Straw, and Drawing the Short Straw.

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