As the Olympic presidential campaign marathon limps into its fourth year, one potential gold-medal winning participant has gone missing: Good News.
In earlier times, the cheerful, inspiring athlete sported regular appearances in headlines. These days, no one is able to contact her, and no one seems to have a clue as to her whereabouts.
“We are constantly looking for Good News,” says a fan. “She has disappeared without a trace.”
Officials say there is no indication of foul play, adding that Good News has a habit of vanishing periodically, then returning with no explanation.
“There is no mystery,” says Nega Tivity, a spokesperson for the US Department of Woe, which has taken over the lengthy and exhausting campaign marathon. “Good News is not news at all.”
Still, theories about the absence of Good News abound. Conspiracy buffs think the government has side-lined Good News in order to manage expectations should the US fail to score a gold medal when the race ends in November.
Fans offer a less dire reason. They say Good News has a long-standing feud with The Media, an influential group that tends to discount her value. They believe she may simply be keeping a low profile for now, and that she will stage a triumphant come-back at some future date.
The only thing everyone agrees on is that there will be no Good News any time soon.