Geeks United

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The US Department of Justice today announced the successful completion of a multi-year investigation into a massive computer conspiracy.

No, it’s not the offense you might first suspect. The keyboarding criminals at Geeks United, Inc. had far bigger plans than the simple spread of viruses or theft of financial information.

Under the federal grand jury indictment, executives of the company have been charged with attempting to make computer owners feel incompetent.

“Our hard drive for evidence in this case turned into a crashing win for all non-techies,” says I. Gotem, the Justice Department’s lead prosecutor. “We’re finally going to make someone pay for confusing, contradictory and oh-so-frustrating hardware and software conflicts.”

Today’s indictment opens a window into the workings of the widespread, systematic fraud. The scheme appears to have clicked along the entire technology menu, from the “Dummies” series of computer aid books to charge-by-the-minute help desks.

One source says the most viral evidence against Geeks United, Inc. comes from secret recordings made by an insider known only as “Worm.” In a sting operation code-named “Blue Screen”, this unidentified hero attended meetings with a microphone hidden in a taped pair of eyeglass frames.

Transcripts from these undercover soundtracks reveal the alleged conspirators installed their nefarious plot shortly after computers became indispensable in homes throughout America. By deliberately designing repairs, updates, downloads and other routine fixes to be difficult and complex, Geeks United intended to create enough fatal-error frustration to corner the market in PC assistance products.

The plan was successful, often driving computer users into endless loops of despair—and resulting in a billion dollar a day business.

Gathered around the courthouse steps after the indictment was unsealed, beaming class-action attorneys vowed to initiate a lawsuit designed to reapportion the monetary gains.

The promise means exasperated consumers, in addition to the mental benefits of shedding doubts and inadequacies about their computing prowess, may eventually also profit monetarily. Some experts estimate class action payouts, after legal fees, will be as high as $1.63 per household.

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