Despair and Foreboding

Thanks for sharing this!

News producers Despair and Foreboding have been off the air for nearly a week and fans are beginning to wonder what’s causing the unusual disappearance. Message board chatter ranges from fatal health issues to rumors of retirement.

“There’s nothing mysterious going on,” says Pree Dixshun, the duo’s syndicator. “Congress is on vacation, and Despair and Foreboding decided to take a break, too.”

According to the bio posted on their web site, taking time off is a rarity for Despair and Foreboding, who met in a high school Latin class and have been inseparable ever since. Their nail-biting, authoritative news segments weave dire warnings of impending calamity with constant sightings of new threats on the horizon, and they often include nightmare scenarios vouchsafed by experts to spice things up.

During their absence, celebrity guest producers, including Worry, Gloom and Lotsa Scary Stuff, are filling the show’s 24-hour time span with cheerful forecasts of vague, undefined misfortunes that may or may not occur. But listeners addicted to the steady patter of Despair and Foreboding say these substitutes are pale imitations of the real thing.

Advertisers find the absence ominous, too, as ratings have begun to decline. “Despair and Foreboding have a knack for getting people worked up,” says a sponsor. “The news isn’t the same without them.”

Ms. Dixshun says there’s no need to fret, adding, “Despair and Foreboding expect to return shortly, and will continue provoking audiences for years to come.”

You might also like these posts

Essay — Listening to the Flowers Image source: HL CarpenterHot, cold, rainy, sunny—what will it be today? Last week, Carpenter Country ushered in spring highs of eighty degrees. Pansies, delphiniums and azaleas bloomed beside a hibiscus. This week icicles festooned our fountain and temps dropped into the twenties. And while Florida shivered, relativ...
Satire — Gridlock Image source: www.wpclipart.com Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...
Essay — Blissful Earlier this week, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. When I asked how everything was going, she told me she was blissfully happy. Image courtesy of arztsamui/FreeDigitalPhotos.net Her words made me wonder exactly what she meant. Was she feeling ecstatic, exhilarated and freaked out all at the same moment? ...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,