Allied Bombs

Thanks for sharing this!

What happens when your biggest competitor declares war and you’re absent without leave? The answer may put Allied War Industries and its affiliates under the gun.

Experts charge the company with making a major mistake by sitting on the sidelines during the recent flare up in the Caucasus region. They say the fallout could be severe, and that the misfire leaves Allied, an international producer of military skirmishes, conflicts and confrontations, with a lot of explaining to do.

“What were they thinking?” wonders one industry advisor. “This was the perfect opportunity for Allied to flex its muscles and stay on top of the world market.”

But even as Allied’s value cratered, the company’s Chief Weapons Officer, Gunn Attheready, defended the decision to stay out of the fracas.

“Our employees have been working nonstop for years, in all regions of the globe,” he says. “We’re stretched thin, which means we have to pick our battles.”

His words appeared to give critics fresh ammunition, and they promptly fired back by aiming pointed remarks at Allied’s leadership.

“Why is Allied beating around the bush?” snipes one, who spoke with a Russian accent. “They should admit they’ve lost the will to fight for domination in the war market.”

Mr. Attheready bristles at what he calls fighting words. But observers note Allied’s CEO has not interrupted a vacation trip to a minor sporting event to address the growing tension, and there’s no sign the company will be ramping up production lines any time soon.

Allied’s “keep-our-powder-dry” reaction has everyone perplexed. Supporters point out that the company has reason to be slow on the trigger given the condemnation it received for previous responses to saber-rattling competitors. But privately they admit they’re worried about future repercussions.

“Allied needs to elect the right course of action,” says an analyst. “It’s bad for business when a war starts and nobody shows up.”

You might also like these posts

Satire — Gridlock Image source: Some people say you can never have enough Gridlock. Fortunately there’s no shortage of the sticky product, which is designed to impede progress. Thanks to the latest advances in engineering, production, and automation, more Gridlock is being produced than ever before, and the quality cont...
The End of The Day Things are growing dark at The End of The Day, and management is losing sleep over competitors who refuse to rest. "We’re settling in for a long, dark period," says Good Night, spokesperson for The End of The Day. "We’re not sure what tomorrow will bring." The End of The Day produces relaxation products, many of which...
Staying Calm Calm International is losing its stature as a global leader in the equanimity market, with sales of flagship merchandise simmering down. While Calm remains a key provider of composure, harmony, and serenity products worldwide, experts say the company has been losing its cool for years---a development reflecting the rea...
Do You Know Better? Of course you know Better. Everyone thinks they know Better. Yet I. Dunno, spokesperson for the international celebrity, says no one really knows Better. "If I didn't know Better," says Mr. Dunno, "I'd think these people were delusional." Experts, many of whom do not actually know Better, say it's natural for peop...

We write. Visit us in Carpenter Country, a magical place that, like our stories, is unreal but not untrue.

Posted in Satire Tagged with: ,